The ideas expressed here do not represent the opinions of my employer, my family, my friends, my local government, my fifth grade teacher, Mrs. Thomas, or even myself depending on how long ago they were written.

No other warranty expressed or implied.

This blog has been rated R by nobody in particular. Under 17 requires accompanying parent or guardian. May contain rough and/or persistent violence and suggestive material, hard language, strong horror, strong crude sexual content, sexually-oriented nudity, and/or hard drug use. (Or it may not … I’m mercurial that way.)

Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, is unintentional and purely coincidental.

For entertainment purposes only.

Past performance does not guarantee future results.

Viewer discretion is advised.

If rash, irritation, redness, or swelling develops, discontinue reading.

Terms subject to change without notice.

Action figures sold separately.

Do not try this at home; the author is a trained professional.

Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.

No animals were used during testing.

Some assembly required.

Don’t panic.

Mind the gap.

Not affiliated with any government agency.

Batteries not included.

Press any key to continue.

Caveat emptor.

No salt, MSG, artificial color or flavoring added.

All federal, state and local income and other taxes are solely the responsibility of the reader.

Void where prohibited except where not prohibited.

Keep away from open flames and avoid inhaling fumes.

Allow 4 to 6 weeks for delivery.

Always wear your seatbelt.

Please drink responsibly.

Do not look into laser with remaining good eye.

Disclaimer does not cover misuse, accident, lightning, flood, tornado, tsunami, volcanic eruption, earthquake, hurricanes and other Acts of Invisible Men in the Sky, neglect, damage from improper or unauthorized repair, incorrect line voltage, broken antenna or marred cabinet, missing or altered serial numbers, electromagnetic radiation from nuclear blasts, sonic boom vibrations, customer adjustments that are not covered in this joke list, and incidents owing to airplane crash, alien invasion, ship sinking, motor vehicle accidents, our new robot overlords, dropping the item, falling rocks, leaky roof, broken glass, mud slides, forest fire, or projectile (which can include, but not be limited to, arrows, bullets, shot, BB’s, shrapnel, lasers, napalm, torpedoes, or emissions of X-rays, Alpha, Beta and Gamma rays, knives, sticks and stones, et al.)

Some disclaimers stolen from or inspired by Bob’s Big List of Disclaimers.

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